What I call garbage....

Usually I do not do this but there comes a time in life when one has to break with ones own convention/mould and branch out. What am I on about? Well I am about to turn into a movie critic. I can't claim that it is the first and last time but it is not my forte.

Anyway, so the other day I have left the kitchen and advanced to my reserved seat in anticipation for what will unravel on my screen for the next 2 hours or so. I have a glass of red wine (and the bottle of Jean-Baptiste Adam Riesling Reserve 2004, not far from my reach either) so all is well.

Press play as I take the first bite from my plate. Ladies and gentlemen, believe me when I say I make a mean curry. It was chicken curry in this case and it was oh so creamy; sweet and sour; with just the right amount of spices. Nice!! If you know me, look me up one day and I will make it for you. So back to the issue at hand, I digress with good intent of course.

The title and cast flick on my screen and I am familiar with some of the characters: Nicholas Cage - to this day, Face/off and Con Air rank very highly on my list of all time favourite films; Julianne Moore, whom I absolutely loved after her performance in Magnolia; and Tory Kittles because I love House M.D. or House to some of us, and he just so happened to guest star in one of the episodes which also features Meagan "you make my heart pound" Good and Jason Winston George. (I will look for an opportune moment to talk about Meagan Good, in the mean time Google the name and see for yourself)

As you have probably deduced by now, the film is NEXT, which it starts off with Frank Cadillac (Nicholas Cage) performing his live act in a Casino to an almost empty house and in the audience is Agent Ferris and Agent Cavanaugh played by Julianne Moore and Tory Kittles respectively.

I am intrigued by the opening sequence of events where Frank Cadillac pulls off some "now you see me now you don't" trickery to escape casino security. He steals a car goes into hiding and at this point I am convinced that this will be another Nicholas Cage smash!! We are in 10-15 minutes of the film and I am all excited, I take the last bite of my scrumptious dinner and have to pause the film for a brief intermission. Why? I have to take my dishes to the kitchen and wash them. Mama done raised me right.

I cannot narrate the entire film in this blog as it might leave me open to some law suit and it would be just plain silly. So instead, courtesy of IMDB I have below the plot summary as provided by Jim Beaver:

"A Las Vegas showroom magician Cris Johnson has a secret which torments him: he can see a few minutes into the future. Sick of the examinations he underwent as a child and the interest of the government and medical establishment in his power, he lies low under an assumed name in Vegas, performing cheap tricks and living off small-time gambling "winnings." But when a terrorist group threatens to detonate a nuclear device in Los Angeles, government agent Callie Ferris must use all her wiles to capture Cris and convince him to help her stop the cataclysm."

I have to say this has got to be the worst film I have seen this year. A friend tells me that I need to reserve that judgement until I have watched Ghost Rider (also featuring Nicholas Cage) but seeing as I have not watched it yet, my opinion still stands.

Ok! This is where I have to ask you to forgive me, and request that you do not focus on the fact that I came to the realisation late, but instead dwell on the fact that I did show up....I am referring to Jessica Biel. Oui en effet, c'est une belle femme

But this film did her no justice whatsoever. Actually her beauty aside, her performance was borderline atrocious. In fact there is a scene in that film where she seems to hesitate and miss a step because she is not quite sure of what she ought to be doing. It is the pursuit, inside the old, abandoned factory and she is about to go down a flight of stairs…

By the time she is introduced into the film, I was questioning the plot to the film and wondering where it is heading. Somehow through another sequence of events Frank Cadillac ends up in a car with Jessica, ok! She is Elizabeth Cooper in the film, and they just start driving. A stop over at a picturesque Grand Canyon, or atleast I think it is the Canyon, reveals what Elizabeth does for a living. So now I am thinking where are the agents? Ah! They are always 2 minutes too late as usual. Somewhere in there, Russians, a sniper, a Brit, a dead prostitute and native Indian kids are introduced into the film in such a haphazard and random sequence that it is difficult to delineate their roles in the film.

At some point Frank tells Elizabeth that somewhere in Scandinavia it rained fish. What!!! I had to pause the film and go online to verify this. Mmhh!!! I am not engrossed at all by this film and I realise we are almost an hour in and the film is only 90 minutes long so now I am anxious and anticipating.

****Spoiler Alert***

After all the action or lack of it, it just so happens that somewhere in between Frank fell asleep and everything from then on was but a bad dream. Stop!! I can't do this any more, this movie is just too silly. .

I was so angered by this film that needless to say the most memorable thing had nothing to do with the film itself but the bottle of wine that I polished off and was left appreciating how good a year 2004 was for wine. The film comes to an abrupt and uncalculated end that does not leave me yearning for more. Matter of fact it has me thanking my stars that it is over and regretting the time wasted watching this.

What a load of garbage. But hey, all's well with a good bottle!